I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
