Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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