I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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