Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
