i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
