my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm both gender and math confused
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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