Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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