You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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