i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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