I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
