my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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