How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
