My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
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21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.