I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
