can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
