turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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