Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
