my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
