this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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