the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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