can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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