i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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