She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You can't special order awesome
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
