im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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