why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
