I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
