he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
