If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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