Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
