I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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