When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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