then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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