you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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