so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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