Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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