Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
