look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
