I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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