I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
