i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
