he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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