I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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