Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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