Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
