No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
