no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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