Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
