She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
