In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
