he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
