I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
