who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
