I want to stick my p in your. b.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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