Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
