Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I love you. Go after that dick
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
