Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
