I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
