hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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