That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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