he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
